


Apologies

by TimeLadyoftheSith



Series: Perspectives [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Apologies, Doctor POV, F/M, First Actual Kiss, post gitf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 16:35:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11406303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimeLadyoftheSith/pseuds/TimeLadyoftheSith
Summary: The Doctor goes to apologize for his behavior in France, after quite the chastisement from Mickey.Sequel to Man to Alien.





	Apologies

I've never taken chastisement well. Not that what just occurred was chastisement. It was more or less a threat and a reality check that I've been avoiding for quite some time. Even though Rose has been with me for over a year and a half, TARDIS time, it's hard to break habits I've spent over two hundred years developing. The two centuries since I went into the war and emerged with bulky ears and a penchant for leather were spent mostly alone.

So, yeah, sometimes I take stupid risks. It wasn't even that I found Reinette attractive, although I am upset that Reinette died before I could give her the adventure I promised. I hate breaking promises. It was just the thrill of the mystery, and my very bad habit of feeding my ego. It is a self-destructive habit, allowing my borderline psychopathy to tango dangerously with my narcissism. I've been trying hard to make changes for Rose, the sweet, stubborn, wonderful, brilliant human who nearly killed herself to keep me safe.

I'm trying hard not to take Mickey's words with a grain of salt, as I fix some tea as an excuse to talk to her. Rose doesn't love me. She can't. She knows the darkness that it takes all of my will power to hold back. She's seen me lose my temper and unleash the fury of the Oncoming Storm. She is too good for that, too unsullied by the horrors I've seen and done. I don't deserve her love. I haven't atoned, and probably never will, for the crimes I committed.

Still, I love her. I'm still not sure how or when it started, but everything about this body was created with her sacrifice. I can't deny her anything intentionally. So, that's why I'm carrying a tray of tea down the hallway of my own ship to apologize for my behavior. If Mickey hadn't told me, I'd just assumed she was upset that I almost got stuck in France. She knows the TARDIS has emergency protocols designed to take her home, and she knows exactly how to activate them.

I'm debating just knocking, handing her the tray, and running away. I don't do emotions or domestics, but I can't leave her like this. She's my best friend, and the closest I've ever had to more than that with any of my companions. Not that I could ever tell her how I feel, because those are lines I cannot let myself cross.

Just because I can't cross those lines, it doesn't mean I can't toe them. It doesn't mean my hearts don't race as I hear her crossing the room to open the door. I'm trying hard to think if something clever to say, a witty remark to make her roll her eyes and smile. She's standing in front of me now, and there's the tinge of salt in the air around her. Her eyes are puffy, and it aches deep in my gut to know she's been crying. "Tea." Oh, real smooth Doctor. That was real smooth.

"Yeah, I can see that." Rose isn't smiling. This isn't good. She always smiles when I bring tea to her room. Now she's shutting the door. Time to rethink this approach.

"I'm sorry." Okay, now she's stopping. She still isn't smiling though. She hasn't responded either. The door is open, but she's walking back to her bed. This is getting a bit awkward. We usually take our evening cuppa in the luxurious sitting area I asked the TARDIS to give her.

I can't bring myself to step into her room. Every warning bell in my head is going off. She's so young. Her life has already ended before I can blink. It isn't fair to her.

"Are you coming in or not?" She's climbed up on her blankets now, clutching the silver and pink stuffed vagnelra I won her at a festival to her chest.

Forcing my feet to move isn't so easy when my habit of running away is kicking in. I can stand up to a fleet of rampaging Daleks, but the thought of sitting on Rose's bed when she's wearing nothing but a pair of sleep shorts, and, Rassilon's gauntlet kill me now, she's wearing one of the jumpers from my last body.

Okay, my respiratory bypass is kicking in, I need to breathe. Stay cool, Doctor. It's just a conversation. I need to do this, or I may push her away. I'm not quite sure how exactly I made it to sit on her bed, but here I am. Two lumps of sugar and a dash of milk, just the way Rose likes it.

"What are you sorry for exactly, Doctor?" She isn't quite meeting my eyes, and that hurts. Rose always looks me dead on when we talk. Have I really hurt her so much? How stupid have I been?

"Running off, leaving you and Mickey behind." Now she's looking at me, and she is livid. I can nearly see the steam coming from her ears. Oi, brain, shut up and focus. Right, apologies. Where was I? "I wouldn't have stayed there. I'd have tracked down one of my previous selves and had him deliver me straight back."

"I know." She still looks angry. Blimey, if Jackie was wearing that look I'd be ducking a slap. Thankfully I have occupied my little human's hands with delicious tea. Not my human. She isn't mine. I need to stop thinking like that.

"Then why were you so worried?" Sometimes the idiocy of my own mouth astounds me.

"I wasn't worried, Doctor." She's avoiding my eyes again. I hate that. I never realized I did because she's never done it before tonight.

"Then I'm sorry if you think that I danced with Reinette." Great synonym for avoiding a topic I can't dare to mention in her presence.

Holy cloister bells, Jackie would be proud of that slap. My cheek is on fire. "I deserved that." And now the other cheek. Do Tyler women take a class on how to put that much power in one strike without spilling their tea? "And that one too."

Rose is glowering at me now. Which, surprisingly is an improvement over the evasive eyes. "I didn't dance with her, Rose." The glower is softening a bit. I think I'm safe from another slap.

"You snogged her though." She's off the bed now, arms crossed and her face turning red. Rose is strikingly, haha nice pun there brain, beautiful when she is angry.

"It was just a kiss, one kiss." That's the truth. Not that Reinette didn't try for more. "But that's beside the point. She kissed me. It wasn't anywhere near as good as...." That's quite enough because the slap face is back.

"As good as whom?" Rose still doesn't remember. I mean, I did have the TARDIS do thorough job wiping the memories of the Game station from her mind. Right now I do wish she could remember the kiss, that brief moment in time that caused this body to come forth.

If I tell her now, I'm not sure it would make things better, but it's worth a shot. "As good as kissing you."

Rose just laughed at me. Seriously, Rose? I'm trying to be domestic here. Throw me a bone. "Doctor, the kiss on New Earth doesn't count. That was Cassandra."

Right, of course she'd remember that one. I don't count that one either. Welp, I can let her run with that or tell her the truth. "No, we've kissed before Rose, just before I regenerated."

"What?" She's staring at me wide eyed. "When did we kiss?"

"I told you that you absorbed the heart of the TARDIS." Rose is nodding, but she still looks like she doesn't believe me. This is going to hurt, end the end, but I'm too far gone now to stop. "Well, you were dying and I kissed you. I took the vortex into myself by kissing you, and that's what caused me to regenerate."

"So you're saying my kiss killed you?"

"No, my kiss saved your life. When I regenerated." I just have to say it. Rules be damned. I deserve the pain this will bring me in the end, when she eventually withers and dies, leaving me alone with the ghosts of her memories "This body, was literally made from that moment, Rose."

Now Rose drops her cup of tea. Hopefully the TARDIS can get her some new carpet or get rid of that stain. She's looking a bit like she can't breathe, and judging by the way her heart rate is increasing, I think she might be about to hyperventilate.

She's grabbing my tie now, why? Oh, well, this beats slapping any day. Rose Tyler is kissing me, and if there is a hell or some other sort of punishment, I'm definitely going. I had almost forgotten how soft her lips are, and how sweet she tastes. I'm supposed to be kissing her back. I think I'll do just that. I'll allow myself this sweet torture. Maybe when she leaves and it kills me inside, then I'll have atoned for all I've done.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope I did the Doctor's POV justice! Let me know!


End file.
